Five, five dollar, five dollar rip off

Only an 18-inch sanitation glass sits between me and 1-foot of warm, delicious meatballs, topped with jalapenos and pepper jack cheese. My mouth is already watering when I realize that I don't have that $5 that went to MontPIRG in the "optional" fee that students voted for last year.

MontPIRG is not a University of Montana organization, and therefore, it can't receive money from all UM students without the approval of the Board of Regents, who govern all Montana higher education.

According to UM Cheif Legal Counsel David Aronofsky, a vote of approval from the students does not guarantee funding, but it does give the group ground to stand on with the regents.

It was politically savvy for MontPIRG to allow a refund because students are more likely to vote for an optional fee than a mandatory one. The group got the vote, the regents approved funding and now refunds are available to students who disagree with sustainability or MontPIRG as a whole.

I use "optional" above with extreme caution because after this heart-breaking realization, I went on a mission to get that fee back.

I disagree with neither; I just wanted my five bucks. I began my journey at the seemingly most obvious place: the ASUM office.

I walked past the smoking teepee sculpture (commonly known as the giant octopus sculpture) and into the UC, 350 steps from the Kaimin office. I got an encouraging answer — the next rung of my journey — the vice president's office in Main Hall: 175 steps.

Then, the vice president's secretary sent me downstairs to the student affairs office: 83 steps. Infuriatingly, the secretary, graciously, made a few calls and found out that this process was supposed to be done on Cyberbear, so back to the Kaimin office: 345 steps.

It took me just over an hour to walk in a 953-step circle and my $5 were still securely separated from my wallet.

Back at the office, I got onto the website and hit the refund link, which sent me to the MontPIRG website. Now, I have no problem with MontPIRG and I think it is a good thing for the campus, but if I wanted my refund back because I didn't like the organization, it would have been really infuriating when I realized that this refund link brings me straight to the lion's den, where I am asked to give my personal information (phone number, address, etc.).

Alas, I filled out the information — granted it only took about five minutes once I figured out where to go — and am currently waiting for my refund check to come in the mail, or I could walk back to the UC and probably go through a few more hoops and get my money directly from a MontPIRG table.

Okay, let's break this down: 953 steps to nowhere, over an hour of phone calls and office searching and, finally, having to give my personal information to a group that I've seen hound people around campus for votes, meetings and petitions. All of this, and my  wallet is still $5 lighter until I get that check in the mail and go to the bank — five bucks. If I had to do it over, I'd just skip the $5 foot long. This time, I guess, it was just not worth it.