It all started with the addition of the Apple store. Technically, it’s the somewhat-recently renovated UC Market, but it feels like an Apple store, an Apple store in an airport terminal. A few years ago, the UC was just “that cool building with the plants inside.” But now, it feels like some sort of test run for Joanna Gaines latest HGTV hit, “A crippled college campus: from frumpy to fabulous.” 

Back in the good ol’ days, the UC was a place we enjoyed being in. It was welcoming; a place for friends to catch up while sipping the smoothie of the month. A place to study without losing a sense of consciousness. It was a place for noodles. Pour one out. 

But now, the UC has become a transportation hub. A place to grab a deep-fried oreo and get out (we didn’t ask for those, but we sure as hell aren’t complaining).

It’s supposed to be “a place for you to study, discover diversity, enjoy entertainment, and feel at home away from home,” according to UM’s website. 

The first floor has approximately three outlets and some of those chairs with the flippy desks. Studying: enhanced. 

And the first word that comes to mind when we think of home? Sterile. Did you know posters also burn at 451 degrees Fahrenheit? Clearly, someone’s figured it out (is it you, Adrienne Donald?). Clearly TVs are much more personal. 

Needless to say, you nailed it, UC.

But we never asked for any of this. Not the Apple store, not the kombucha fountain, not the slick-as-a-seal couches and ESPECIALLY not the goddamn Innovation Factory next to Pizza Hut. Get rid. 

The truth is, we liked it better when the UC was, well, shittier. And if we wanted a bougie building out of a magazine, we’d go to MSU. 

There is nothing wrong with “that cool building with the plants inside.” We love that building, and it doesn’t need to be fixed. Instead, try upgrading to microwaves with buttons. Put in some two-ply toilet paper, PLEASE. Pay a real, live human being, perhaps even, a student, to fill the gaping hole of sadness that is the UC West Atrium Desk. It’s that simple.

So stop trying to make the UC “hip and cool.” Just put in some more outlets.